Courage – Word by Word Healing

I engage in writing as both a therapeutic and creative pursuit. It is a process for the exploration of my emotions and to allow creative expression to multiply with each stroke of the pen or keyboard. I’m smiling… I can see who I am more clearly, more honestly and for that I am grateful.
Here on the page, I can choose to visit that which is not working in my life or that with which I am just not facing. Perhaps this free-flowing expression of previously unconscious or unvoiced thoughts are merely a reflection of my fear of change. Seeing its presence reflected back to me can be enlightening. Other times, it is just good to move the energy outward – although I’m admittedly not ready or able to do anything other than observe and accept. Yet another chance to practice self-compassion.
With this frequent endeavor to chart my views and challenges, I am creating a “body of work” to reflect upon, for self-expression, or for sharing with others my thoughts and struggles.
Pretty cool.

The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, the rational mind a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.

Albert Einstein

I was dreading the end of my maiden years, thinking this was the norm until I recently spoke with friends and got varied responses. Some agreed it was an angst-ridden time but others had the opposite reaction. “Thank God they said. I’m done with the objectification… although being invisible takes a little getting used to.”
“Really? You mean we can actually be okay with this whole passage of time thing.”
I’m learning that one of the keys to being an older woman is accepting our multi-dimensionality and complexity, which includes the rich experiences of both our bodies and minds. There is so much good stuff here to work with if I choose to believe it. If I choose to believe in myself…
In a culture that stresses certain proscribed physical attributes as a barometer of desirability, how far have we come in the 21st century and how do we age gracefully? How do we impart the wisdom of our seasoned stories, our hard won lessons of self-acceptance and gratitude to the next generation? I have only seedlings of my newly blossomed experiences to share for now.
I’m in the middle of reading Angeles Arrien’s book, “The Second Half of Life” and beginning to consciously enter the gates of transformation and rebirth of which she speaks and challenge myself to embody greater self-acceptance and honor my growth. Who am I anyway?
This shift in my perspective as I approached my fiftieth year, seeing it as an opportunity for radical change, was rapid. I was blindly perpetuating a cultural worldview when there were other roadmaps to follow. Transitioning to ‘full frontal midlife’ became a transformational experience, to be open to exploring my life once again; with the wonder of a child, a someone in progress, still unfolding, with many more discoveries to come and gifts to share.
There will be many seasons to garden, to create new life in my vegetable patch to nourish myself and family.
There are many more stories to write, ideas to paint, music with which to sing and dance.
There are many souls I’m looking forward to meeting and counseling, joining them as they honor me with the sacred trust of holding their stories close to my heart. Together we will share and collaborate in our sessions, talking about self-compassion, acceptance, forgiveness, and dreams as beacons shining on answers to life’s questions.
There is still a lot more creative juice to squeeze out of this life.
Joan Erikson, wife of the psychologist Erik Erikson, talks about her philosophy of life in Joan Anderson’s biographical and autobiographical book “A Walk on the Beach”. Erickson reminds us that our lives are constantly created through our actions, life happens through each act of ‘doing’ in which we consciously engage in the world. Our life stories can be rewritten each day by engaging in the world, sometimes beyond our comfort level, and allowing the future to happen; not yet knowing who we will meet, nor whom we will become.
There is no age limit on this lifestyle perspective.
With mindful acceptance of life’s challenges I can create new stories about my Self. I can make choices about who I am with an awakened quality, independent of the opinion of others. Yet first I must spend time with this self, quietly.
Again and again and again.
Through meditation practice, I am allowing thoughts to flow through my mind, noticing how hard it is to just be still and then once again return to my breath.
I battle the constant stream of stories with curiosity. Haven’t I heard this one before? I smile and once again go back to my breath.
I am not my thoughts.
Meditation allows us to practice being. By allowing ourselves to just be, observing our discursive thoughts as they come and go and then gently returning to the breath – this is the practice of meditation. No self-judgments necessary – since this is what the mind does.
At any age…
May I have gratitude for a working mind and body.
May I have gratitude for a life of love and ease.
May I have gratitude for the comforts of home, the laughter of good friends.

There is no age limit for this perspective. Life is a work in progress. I’m off to work.

Ageing

I give myself permission to think, to just be, and stay with the awareness of bodily sensations, thoughts, and feelings.
Call it mindfulness of being.
Feeling my heartbeat, I want to quell it, it feels too loud and reminds me of a familiar anxiety. Yet I see another never-ending opportunity for tolerating sensation. Without food, excess food, so many feelings tumble forth, big old ones, new complex ones… embarking on my fiftieth year has been challenging me for many months.
I admit to regretting the difficulty I have had enjoying the last year of being in my forties. Alas, I relate to this awareness with compassion and curiosity. Answers do not lie with excess food. The existential anxiety that sometimes comes with the inevitable passage of time is acute and I feel anger rising. Where does that come from? Then it morphs, and grief courses through my veins – the waning of my fertility is no longer a question as I enter a new phase of womanhood that is filled with challenges and opportunities for growth. I don’t remember signing up for this.
Yet a still sweet voice within reminds me this is a life worth investigating.
Still, I kick and scream, pluck and inject, eliminate gray reminders of my existence. I talk and share and cry and notice a loneliness borne so many decades past, with tender and profound sadness. Just when I thought I was okay, an ancient and skewed core belief of my unworthiness, dormant for a long while, has come back to visit. Resentment and disbelief come forth and I want a refund! I want answers.
Yet I have questions. I allow all these thoughts and feelings to just be.
And then I breathe, reach toward the sun and let go.

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I just finished reading Geneen Roth’s new book, “Women, Food, and God” and was not disappointed. Roth is her usual forthright and insightful self and her writing takes the reader on one of her retreats. Hold on…
Roth tells us that the struggle is not about the food or the feelings. If we have a dysfunctional relationship to food and self we must look at our relationship to staying in the present moment. It is about being – about us needing to be present with ourselves, all of ourselves in this world, in this moment.
Slowing down, being with sensations, cravings, joy, pain, anger, engaging with all the textures of our existence is what will inevitably fill us up. It is not always easy but this is the true dance of spiritual communion with oneself and one’s connection to the divine. Roth highlights the inevitable tensions and struggles as we run from God, and as we search for God – but it is the God within us right now, our essential connection to a higher power or divine energy that is the source of wholeness. Roth offers us the ancient spiritual wisdom of mindfulness practice as a path towards overcoming the dysfunction of compulsive overeating.
Taking the reader through her retreat exercises, Roth shares with us the surprise, disdain, rebellion and enlightenment of her guests as they react to her instructions. They are asked to investigate and slow down their unconscious and desperate relationship to food and eating. If you were to pick up the book at any point you will learn something about women and their relationship to food, themselves, and their hunger to experience wholeness. Perhaps you will recognize yourself.
I would have enjoyed more… I didn’t want the book to end… but maybe therein lies the lesson. It is part of our human condition to grasp and to crave. Our awareness and compassion towards these passing desires can lead us toward greater peace and self understanding; and perhaps deeper compassion for all beings.
Acceptance of everything that is happening now, within and without, will help us heal and be whole. Slow down, open your eyes and experience everything. Perhaps the chocolate cake won’t seem as compelling after all.

New opportunities exist with each breath I take. Are my thoughts compassionate?Mindfully, I note the timbre of my perceptions. How am I relating to others, to my self? Each new breath, infused with the essence of compassion and loving kindness, creates a new mind/body relationship and  the potential for a new relationship to others.

Try it~

Soul Hunger

Opening to the hunger of the soul creates opportunities that can be both welcoming and frightening. Often we avoid these opportunities before allowing potential joys or lessons while our soul hungers for true fulfillment.

Soul hunger can be revealed through the restriction or overindulgence in eating patterns.  Using food as a spiritual anesthetic may take various forms: restricting, bingeing and purging, or compulsive overeating, thus temporarily severing our soul connection. Behaviors developed in childhood or adolescence now affect our ability to have a fulfilling adult life.

In responding to childhood events and painful challenges imbued with trauma, we create coping strategies attempting to temporarily soothe the hungry soul.  Learning to control food and body while ignoring health implications, we justify these soul-less, self-sacrificing behaviors.  Temporarily safe in the illusion of our psychic numbness, bingeing on food creates comfort, a haven from internal or external stressors. Conversely, severe restriction of caloric intake brings a false solace of being in control of life and the environment.

By taking a deep breath, breathing in and out, gently and repeatedly, and using compassionate awareness, we begin to observe behavior around food and exercise. Kind, non-judgmental understanding about our negative behaviors to manage anxiety may initially just be noted.  Feeling the difference between this compassionate stance and the harsh words of habitual self-effacing disgust and intolerance. This is a beginning step toward allowing the heart and spirit to be a guide toward healing disordered eating and exercise behaviors, which in turn fills our empty soul.

Continue gentle, mindful breathing and begin developing an internal dialogue of forgiveness while remaining in a compassionate place. This is a crucial element in the journey toward healing.  Imagine a loving, eternal mother whose heart is infinitely open and strong, then become washed in her warmth and forgiveness.  Allow her to explain that negative behaviors toward Self and food have been necessary coping mechanisms for survival. She understands this was developed for our emotional and spiritual survival and is willing to give guidance toward an enlightened Self if we listen courageously.

It is beneficial to note that most “heroes” feel fear while courageously moving toward their goals. Remaining in an open space of inquiry, we can bravely observe what our soul reveals and discover who truly resides within. When we are ready to try a different way of being in the world, a brave willingness to seek guidance about Self, relationships can lead us toward wholeness and the fulfillment of the soul.

© Robbi Rucker 2008

“We discover that our identity is more tentative, fluid like a river, each moment born anew. Wisdom says we are nothing. Love says we are everything. Between these two our life flows.” Jack Kornfield, A Wise Heart

Mindfulness of the present moment may be filled with life lessons. Is there chatter within telling you who you are not or who you should be? Is there a voice of a loving inner self that speaks to you? If you are truly aware you can hear ‘talk’ of your worth and your many gifts. Shhh… With mindful awareness of your thoughts and body, much can be revealed. Listen within but also look out. Stop. Be in this moment of your life. Breathe. Consider creating a new reality. Right now. What do you say to yourself? What do you say to others? Each thought, action or inaction creates our reality. What will you do today? Observing with lovingkindness the conversations within can be a gentle, new beginning towards mending your soul.

Just for today at the very least, notice how you harshly or gently you speak to yourself.  Are you able to notice your thoughts; are they filled with lovingkindness toward yourself, your  body, your actions? Take a moment and think of how patient and gentle you might be while witnessing the distress of a new baby or a dying loved one. Can you be that compassionate with yourself? If not, here is a wonderful opportunity to heal in this very moment. Gently observe how difficult it might be to say that it’s okay, it’s the best you can do right now, how could you know how to do any differently? Who spoke to you with lovingkindness as child? Anyone? Or were you constantly scrambling for a kind word or to avoid a harsh one. Who held you when you were frightened? Hold yourself in your mind’s eye like this special person if you have one. If not, this is another opportunity to create a fearless and compassionate protector within yourself. Close your eyes for just a brief moment or longer if you’d like and imagine being held and comforted. This inner parent or protector can be with you anywhere, anytime. Create the healing support you need within right now. It’s as quick as closing your eyes and taking a slow breath. Good luck.