I engage in writing as both a therapeutic and creative pursuit. It is a process for the exploration of my emotions and to allow creative expression to multiply with each stroke of the pen or keyboard. I’m smiling… I can see who I am more clearly, more honestly and for that I am grateful.
Here on the page, I can choose to visit that which is not working in my life or that with which I am just not facing. Perhaps this free-flowing expression of previously unconscious or unvoiced thoughts are merely a reflection of my fear of change. Seeing its presence reflected back to me can be enlightening. Other times, it is just good to move the energy outward – although I’m admittedly not ready or able to do anything other than observe and accept. Yet another chance to practice self-compassion.
With this frequent endeavor to chart my views and challenges, I am creating a “body of work” to reflect upon, for self-expression, or for sharing with others my thoughts and struggles.
Pretty cool.

Albert Einstein

There is no age limit for this perspective. Life is a work in progress. I’m off to work.

I give myself permission to think, to just be, and stay with the awareness of bodily sensations, thoughts, and feelings.
Call it mindfulness of being.
Feeling my heartbeat, I want to quell it, it feels too loud and reminds me of a familiar anxiety. Yet I see another never-ending opportunity for tolerating sensation. Without food, excess food, so many feelings tumble forth, big old ones, new complex ones… embarking on my fiftieth year has been challenging me for many months.
I admit to regretting the difficulty I have had enjoying the last year of being in my forties. Alas, I relate to this awareness with compassion and curiosity. Answers do not lie with excess food. The existential anxiety that sometimes comes with the inevitable passage of time is acute and I feel anger rising. Where does that come from? Then it morphs, and grief courses through my veins – the waning of my fertility is no longer a question as I enter a new phase of womanhood that is filled with challenges and opportunities for growth. I don’t remember signing up for this.
Yet a still sweet voice within reminds me this is a life worth investigating.
Still, I kick and scream, pluck and inject, eliminate gray reminders of my existence. I talk and share and cry and notice a loneliness borne so many decades past, with tender and profound sadness. Just when I thought I was okay, an ancient and skewed core belief of my unworthiness, dormant for a long while, has come back to visit. Resentment and disbelief come forth and I want a refund! I want answers.
Yet I have questions. I allow all these thoughts and feelings to just be.
And then I breathe, reach toward the sun and let go.

Try it~

Soul Hunger

Opening to the hunger of the soul creates opportunities that can be both welcoming and frightening. Often we avoid these opportunities before allowing potential joys or lessons while our soul hungers for true fulfillment.

Soul hunger can be revealed through the restriction or overindulgence in eating patterns.  Using food as a spiritual anesthetic may take various forms: restricting, bingeing and purging, or compulsive overeating, thus temporarily severing our soul connection. Behaviors developed in childhood or adolescence now affect our ability to have a fulfilling adult life.

In responding to childhood events and painful challenges imbued with trauma, we create coping strategies attempting to temporarily soothe the hungry soul.  Learning to control food and body while ignoring health implications, we justify these soul-less, self-sacrificing behaviors.  Temporarily safe in the illusion of our psychic numbness, bingeing on food creates comfort, a haven from internal or external stressors. Conversely, severe restriction of caloric intake brings a false solace of being in control of life and the environment.

By taking a deep breath, breathing in and out, gently and repeatedly, and using compassionate awareness, we begin to observe behavior around food and exercise. Kind, non-judgmental understanding about our negative behaviors to manage anxiety may initially just be noted.  Feeling the difference between this compassionate stance and the harsh words of habitual self-effacing disgust and intolerance. This is a beginning step toward allowing the heart and spirit to be a guide toward healing disordered eating and exercise behaviors, which in turn fills our empty soul.

Continue gentle, mindful breathing and begin developing an internal dialogue of forgiveness while remaining in a compassionate place. This is a crucial element in the journey toward healing.  Imagine a loving, eternal mother whose heart is infinitely open and strong, then become washed in her warmth and forgiveness.  Allow her to explain that negative behaviors toward Self and food have been necessary coping mechanisms for survival. She understands this was developed for our emotional and spiritual survival and is willing to give guidance toward an enlightened Self if we listen courageously.

It is beneficial to note that most “heroes” feel fear while courageously moving toward their goals. Remaining in an open space of inquiry, we can bravely observe what our soul reveals and discover who truly resides within. When we are ready to try a different way of being in the world, a brave willingness to seek guidance about Self, relationships can lead us toward wholeness and the fulfillment of the soul.

© Robbi Rucker 2008

Mindfulness of the present moment may be filled with life lessons. Is there chatter within telling you who you are not or who you should be? Is there a voice of a loving inner self that speaks to you? If you are truly aware you can hear ‘talk’ of your worth and your many gifts. Shhh… With mindful awareness of your thoughts and body, much can be revealed. Listen within but also look out. Stop. Be in this moment of your life. Breathe. Consider creating a new reality. Right now. What do you say to yourself? What do you say to others? Each thought, action or inaction creates our reality. What will you do today? Observing with lovingkindness the conversations within can be a gentle, new beginning towards mending your soul.